I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
