My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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