She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
