My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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