Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
