omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
