I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
