every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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