HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
