where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's blow job season.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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