I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
