On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
