HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
