he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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