Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
God, I missed his penis.
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