Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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