Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
