this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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