i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
