I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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