I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
