Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
