it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
