I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
