just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
