shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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