why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
