We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
