My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
