seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
