it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
