I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Randomize
