I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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