i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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