Buhtt sex?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
