then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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