I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
