My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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