Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
