Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
