Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
