For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
