the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
