the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
