Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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