I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
