Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
