i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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