Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She told me I should be a condom model.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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