he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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